Think about the couple you know that always looks happy. Chances are, their marriage has at least as many problems as yours - maybe more. If you could look deeply into their lives, you'd see that they're dealing with similar issues - money, sex, housekeeping, work stress, children, and on and on.
So what is the difference between their relationship and yours?
Well, there are two possibilities. Either they're really good at faking the perfect marriage for the sake of keeping up appearances... or they deal with issues and problems more effectively.
I'm not going to address the first possibility. Sure, there are times when you have to put on a mask, but for the most part, there's not much point in pretending like your life is perfect.
As for the second possibility... this is where you should really pay attention. It's fair to say that every single marriage has its share of problems. It's how they address those problems that makes a difference between a blissful marriage and a miserable one.
Here are a few tips to help you manage the problems marriage throws at you more effectively:
- Set aside 20 minutes a day, after the kids are in bed, as a "venting" time. This isn't about fighting with each other; this is about using each other as a sounding board to talk about whatever is stressing you out. This helps keep outside stresses from leaking into your marriage and causing problems. Often, marital problems are fueled by stress about things that are completely unrelated.
- When addressing a problem, ask your spouse to look at the issue as if it were happening to another couple (and you'll do the same). In other words, you're putting a hypothetical couple in the same situation and then analyzing the problem. This helps clear the emotions surrounding the issue, and makes it easier to find a solution that is mutually beneficial.
- If you absolutely must have it out, fight fairly. Both partners must have equal time to express their viewpoints. Name calling is forbidden. So is bringing up your spouse's unrelated character flaws, or dredging up a disagreement from a decade ago. Even when you're fighting, there should be a purpose. If one of you doesn't feel like finding a solution at the moment, the two of you should change the subject, because you're not going to get anywhere.
You and your spouse can dramatically improve your marriage just by changing how you deal with the problems marriage throws at you. The better you can deal with these issues, the happier you and your spouse will be... and other people will look at you and wish they could be as happy!
